Kathy Maixner, Communication Specialist & Indivisible Bend Member
What is hate, anyway? According to Merriam-Webster, to hate is "to feel strong aversion or intense dislike for; hate implies an emotional aversion often coupled with enmity or malice”. As human beings, it then appears that we all have a propensity to hate – even to show hostility toward others – should we so choose.
If one harkens back to almost any historical time period, it becomes clear that hate is not a new phenomenon, nor is it something that is likely to disappear on the near horizon. Instead, it seems that hate serves a purpose, one that is often misunderstood or deemed invalid.
How many times have parents heard the words, “I hate you,” uttered by a frustrated young child who isn’t getting his or her way? These three words – these three syllables – are often received as a visceral blow to a parent’s authority, a parent’s emotions, even a parent’s self-worth. If your own child hates you, how could anyone else find you lovable?
Today, hate not only flies about loosely through one’s words but has now morphed into overt behaviors with intentions to do harm. What was once thought of by many as being relegated to unacceptable language, hate has now found a new home in the behaviors of millions.
Take, for example, the rise in gun violence. What may once have started as a frustration or a strong disagreement between two individuals is now given permission to express itself violently. These acts of violence appear to have a myriad of motivations, one of which is to free the perpetrator from the burden, the weight, of carrying around swelling emotions that are difficult to control.
Vindictiveness and retaliation are real. Yet, we need to ask ourselves what mental conclusions do we have to draw before partaking in an act of cruelty. What has to occur that forces us to conclude that we’ve been wronged? How we interpret others’ words or actions oftentimes becomes the catalyst in determining how we will respond in return. Are we sure that we’re getting others’ messages as they were intended, or is it possible we’ve misread what we’ve seen or heard?
In current American politics there are many scenarios played out where polarization of thought immediately leads to anger and potential violence. Instead of a gradual emotional build-up from disagreement to rage, many in today’s political environment are given permission to express intense negative emotions with impunity and with little fear of consequences.
In Robert Fulgham’ seminal book, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” (circa. 1986), the author references what he’s learned about “what to do, how to live and how to be”. Through his discoveries, he shares with his readers his tenets for a life well-realized, including, “Play fair; don’t hit people; clean up your own mess; and say you’re sorry when you hurt someone”.
Rather than follow these tenets, many of us today justify our misdeeds in order to secure our own viewpoints and prove ourselves right. We dig in rather than modify our own positions for fear of having to change our perceptions of ourselves. In other words, it’s easier and emotionally less challenging to see our angst as emanating from without rather than from within.
While it’s easy to view hate by its expressions in language and overt behaviors, I contend we need to start looking deeper. We need to understand that many times anger and hate emanate from fear, fear of loss, in particular. If we can view others and ourselves more compassionately by recognizing that fear of loss, including loss of freedom, loss of pride, loss of dignity, may be at the heart of hate - perhaps we’d approach each other with more civility, reminding ourselves that fear of losing one’s Self, one’s identity, is the Ultimate Fear. As a reminder, it’s infinitely easier for an individual to accept anger over fear, as fear can imply a weakness that some are unwilling to admit.
How much easier is it to show compassion to someone who is crying than it is to show empathy to a person who is yelling? Let’s lead with our inquisitive foot and with an engaging mind and try to understand why others think the way they do, without shouting them down.
As hard as it is, I believe it’s worth taking a shot at holding ourselves accountable for our own possible misinterpretation of others’ words and actions. If we keep pointing fingers at each other, the only reward will be to continually justify our potentially deplorable behaviors. Now that would be sad.
